“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
that lip filler tho
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.