“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Everyone’s family
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors