“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Give a baker flours on your first date.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”