this was very charming
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.