This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
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Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
This might be me.
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You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.