This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
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Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.