This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
You Might Also Like
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
How actors in movies eat their food
i baked you a cake
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko