Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

Animal poetry

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”