Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.

He’s an artificial sweetner.

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

A leaf blower, but for people.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

Why do we only have lifeguards around water? I could use someone keeping an eye on me around escalators.

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy