This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
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DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Fidel Castro was alive?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.