This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
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While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
imagine getting destroyed like this
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.