This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
the #horror is real!
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
The point of your 20s
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?