Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri, fight Alexa.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.