Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

Storm Tropical Storm

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?

Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.