Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.

satan:…

dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.

satan:…

dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.