Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!