Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.

😂

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”