This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
don’t be scared
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.