This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
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Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
