This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
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Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
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*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.