This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
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me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?