This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
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ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
