This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
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#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
#Caturday
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.