This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
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Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.