This week’s mood.
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Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*