This week’s mood.
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
How does someone manage that 🤨
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I want what they have
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
That’s amazing.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.