This whiskey tastes like I should tell you what your problem is.

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[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME


87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.


HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes


I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.


My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.


wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam


My husband went to the market for the first time during Coronageddon.

Me: Don’t forget hand soap!
Him: OMG I won’t forget ffs!

{From the store}

Him via text: in line to pay!
Me: Did you get soap?
Him: I forgot to look.

This is why I have a boyfriend.


[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!


Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”