This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
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If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
!!!!!!!!!!!
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on