This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
You Might Also Like
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care