Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]

*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years