Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?

Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood

[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

[at work during the pandemic]

BOSS: omg what the hell

ME: I’m wearing the damn mask

BOSS: why down there though