This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
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Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?