This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.