This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
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1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
no regrets