This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Camel dough
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this