Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
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Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away