A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
🍛
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.