This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
You Might Also Like
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges