This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
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The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”