Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

fixed it

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.