This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
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Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Autocorrect completely socks
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.