This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
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[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
nobody’s gonna understand
Just grow your own
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.