This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
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A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead