This why you should mind your business
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Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
