This why you should mind your business
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Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
need him
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”