This why you should mind your business
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Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
This is a genius move
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.