Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?

peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂

lost boys:

peter pan: so funny

lost boys: you’re a sociopath

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]

Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳

Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄

Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️

Bluetick 1: ❤️

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

See..?

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