Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut