This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
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wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.