This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
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I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
repaired
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?