This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?