This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
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Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this