This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
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ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before