This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
