Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

Dear people with resolutions,

Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe