this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
You Might Also Like
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.