This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Krampus.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.