This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
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That’s fair
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next