this will hang in the louvre one day
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I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.