This will never not be funny 😭
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Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.