This will never not be funny 😭
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter