This will never not be funny 😭
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I’ve disappointed better people.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back