Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

Sir!!

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.

*sips wine*

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here