This will never not be funny 😭
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.