This will never not be funny to me.
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‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.