This will never not be funny to me.
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Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Heroic Misunderstanding
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician