This will never not be funny to me.
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
