This will never not be funny to me.
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For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
this is the greatest thing ever
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:![]()
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
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On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason