Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*

WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie