This will teach them to underestimate me
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Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs