This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.