Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?

*Flashback to 2014*

My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.