This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
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It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
#DesignFail
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
what’s really going on
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off