This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
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If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
WHY would you be happy about this?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*