I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
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“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously