This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
termite twitter scares me
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice