Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Ooops wrong house😂😜

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?