This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
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When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
This is what makes twitter great
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”