This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
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Showerkraut
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
gm
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.