This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
WHY would you be happy about this?
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Hey I worked for it too!
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
i choose….tongue
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home